Looking Down the Barrel: A Deputy Sheriff’s Midlife Memoirs by Richard Secklin

I’m a bit teary eyed as I just finished reading the memoir Parkinson’s Disease Looking Down the Barrel: A Deputy Sheriff’s Midlife Memoirs by Richard Secklin.   This memoir is an extraordinary journey of a man who, after being diagnosed with Parkinson’s, feels his world and his identity has been destroyed.  Tempted to end his life he turns his back on himself and God and then through a series of events sees the gift of his personal journey through new eyes of Compassion.  Looking Down the Barrel: A Deputy Sheriff’s Midlife Memoirs is a fast paced, amazingly articulated book that I highly recommend to other people with PD and especially the caregivers like my family and myself.  While sharing the emotional ups and downs of his journey, Richard Secklin offers advice, tools and explanations about the diagnosis, symptoms and treatments.  I believe that sometimes we experience things in life that may look like a difficult lesson and certainly something we never would have thought we’d sign up for – but in the end these lessons can be the greatest gifts.  Richard has found that the answer is simple: Love and Compassion.

About Richard Secklin:

Richard Secklin was raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin; he enlisted in the Navy during the Vietnam War. He is a Cum Laude 2003 national honor graduate from Lubbock Christian University. A past business owner operating a health club in New Mexico, a competitive bodybuilder and National Bodybuilding Champion, and a career law enforcement officer while living in Midland, Texas.  Richard, is now a resident of Milwaukee, has had the success of having his book reach support groups across the country and the Parkinson’s Association of San Diego has placed his book as Book of the Month for two consecutive months.

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An Excerpt:

Parkinson’s Disease: Looking Down the Barrel  
by Richard Secklin

Prelude

I am four years into my diagnosis and living with Parkinson’s disease (PD). My hand is shaking, not because of Parkinson’s but because I’m looking down the barrel of a gun.  My finger is on the trigger. The room is spinning.

My wife had dissolved our 18 year marriage and I blamed the Parkinson’s. My son could no longer handle living with me and had decided to move away too.

I’m about to vomit. My finger twitches.

I was no longer a cop: I had quit my job without notice. They never knew I had tried marijuana to relieve my PD symptoms while working for the department, and the guilt I felt was overwhelming.

I can’t catch my breath.

I will not get into Heaven if I do this. It doesn’t matter.  I hate God.

I am on the precipice of death.

*****

     This is a story of my midlife encounter of getting diagnosed and living with Parkinson’s disease. Like all PD’ers, we struggle through our own physical and/or psychological disasters and triumphs. These are my personal experiences with depression, confusion, the hate for God, and the on-going transition of this diagnosis, including my symptoms, connecting with support groups, attaining proper medical testing and treatment and finally, the survival of living with PD.

I dedicate this book to my youngest son: an unintentional liberator of my idiosyncratic sickness. Unbeknown to him at that moment in time – he saved me from myself.

*****

Most likely you will find yourself sitting in a doctor’s office surrounded by charts and pictures on the walls. These pictures depict the brain and spine. It is a Neurology doctor you’re seeing because of a myriad of symptoms that you have been dealing with.

A nurse comes out and calls a name. It’s not yours. You observe a women stand up but you are confused because a man’s name had been called. The woman turns and helps the man sitting next to her stand up. He has trouble. Once standing, it appears that he intends to start walking to the waiting nurse who patiently holds the door open. His leg starts shaking. His brain is telling his leg to pick up and move but his leg has trouble responding.  He seems to be hesitating.  All of a sudden, as if someone pushed him from behind, he almost runs across the room – but only for a few steps, and then he finally gains control and he slows down. Your fear starts to take hold. You take a deep breath. Your name will be called soon.

Looking Down the Barrel

 I am hysterically crying as I look down the barrel of my Glock 17. I am thinking, my temple or in my mouth?

I had looked down the barrel of my gun many times before but not like this.  It was never loaded when I cleaned it. This time it was loaded, with a special hollow point bullet authorized for police officers only. I knew my gun would not misfire. I had been a career law enforcement officer, a supervisor, an instructor and a previous SWAT team member. Life could not have been better before being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. But, from time to time, life throws something at us.  And every once and awhile it’s something really big.  I was not ready for this.

I am sitting at the edge of my bed sweating. My hand is shaking; my finger twitching- on the trigger. My life flashes before me.

To purchase a copy for yourself or others please visit:

Richard Secklin’s amazon site: Parkinsons Disease Looking Down The Barrel